I know what you’re thinking; I’ve known it since you read the title. You’re thinking that milk chocolate filled with salty caramel is the best kind of chocolate, and frankly, that’s because it is.

You gotta know though, there’s more to it than that.

Let’s think about all of the different kinds of chocolates there are out there: Milk chocolate, dark chocolate, white chocolate, chocolate with nuts, chocolate that’s doused in a hodgepodge of chic flavours and aromas like “Sweet Spring Lavender” and “Vanilla Mornings w/ Nutmeg”, as well as the oddly specific ones like “Santa’s Cinnamony Beard After Playing Scattergories With Gary Busey Outside of A 7/11 In 1993.” Well of course, that’s just hyperbole at its finest, but you get the picture.

To get to the point, I frankly think that the kind of chocolate that a person chooses to eat (If any at all, and especially on Valentine’s Day) can tell you a lot about them. Each kind of chocolate has its own personality, and (hopefully) I can say the same about you and I.

It’s really the same with the clothes we choose to wear, our favorite colors, movies and songs; the kind of chocolate we prefer reflects on us as a person, this being something that we can use to our advantage to get to know more about someone.

I don’t normally do flat-out lists like this, but since it’s a special holiday occasion, why not strive for a special kind of piece?

1.) Milk Chocolate – If you prefer milk chocolate, it’s likely that you’re as sweet as the chocolate itself (Go you!) You probably have a lot of friends that you try very hard to care about equally, you’re also probably loyal and interesting and just a bundle of joy that’s hard to be angry at or disappointed in. You’re always reliable, and always a good choice for Valentine’s Day.

2.) Dark Chocolate – For those who are more refined in nature, dark chocolate usually seems to be the way to go. You probably like long periods of solitary contemplation and getting one of the highest test scores in the class. Still, you’re really interesting and probably based around a spit-fire personality that people both love and hate at the same time. You’ll probably be rich someday, just like the chocolate that you eat.

3.) White Chocolate – Okay, you need help. It’s probably written somewhere in the annals of history that all of the worst humans liked white chocolate. You know what Blackbeard coated his beard in to ignite before raiding hundreds of ships? White chocolate. You know what colour good chocolate is? Usually brown or a soft black, and considering the fact that pretty much all chocolate is good, somehow the math adds up to mean that white chocolate is literally the opposite of good. White chocolate is one of those things that just shouldn’t exist, and you shouldn’t be allowed to play with others (If you eat white chocolate, you monster.)

4.) Chocolate w/ Nuts – You’re pretty cool. People like hanging out with you, but you’re always separate from the group; you’re a true individual is what I’m trying to get across. Chocolate with nuts is one of the best kinds of chocolate, ‘cause it’s just something good with another good thing piled onto it. It’s like if a free Lambo came with a Rocket-Scientist Spanish lover named Julio Francisco III (Or Julia, let’s be inclusive now.) Whoever gets you is quite lucky, and that’s the way it should be, because you’re awesome.

5.) Hodgepodge of Flavors and Scents – You’re a hippy, but we can dig it. Let’s be real here, sometimes experimentation is a good thing (well, you know, at least with chocolate.) With the risks of experimentation comes both the good and the bad, as some flavors are gonna suck while others are gonna make your day. The nice thing is, it doesn’t matter if you’re Dirty Harry or a Serbian Bear-Whisperer off his meds, there’s gonna be a selection from this category that will indeed ‘make your day’. It’s a gamble, well, you’re a gamble, but the chances are usually in one’s favor when it comes to these chocolates; you’re probably gonna be on a lot of particular people’s list.

6.) Chocolate w/ Caramel – Don’t tease me now. I already hinted at this from the start, but chocolates with caramel on the inside are pretty much as good as it gets; if you eat chocolate with caramel, you’re also the best kind of person. You’ve just got everything that anyone would ever need; you’re perfect. It’s the same concept as chocolate with nuts, except the potency of the effect is amplified ten fold. To sum up, while you’re definitely someone after my own heart, you’re also a lot more than that. You alone can make anyone happy in an instant (Unless they like white chocolate). Chocolate with caramel is the 1980’s Kelly LeBrock of chocolate; it really doesn’t get much better than that (and neither can you, you shining star.)

7.) Santa’s Cinnamony Beard After Playing Scattergories With Gary Busey Outside of A 7/11 In 1993 – Well, I’m not sure what to say about this one. I suppose that it could be interesting, like all of your life choices up to this point.

Anyways, I’m not gonna pull a Shyamalan and wrap all of this back up into the piece on gift-giving that I wrote a little while back (see what I did there?) This was all for a bit of fun, and some food for thought for the next time you’d like to purchase a special treat for someone.