5 Swell Gifts For This Holiday Season


Drawn by Angie

A Sweet Surprise Lies Inside

Kate Williams, Funnies Columnist

We have all received or gifted some ludicrous but entertaining gifts during the holiday season that propelled the guests into heaps of laughter. Grandma cleaned out her closet which means this year’s gifts will be a mix of an old 2016 puppy calendar that has absolutely no value to you or expired lotion that smells like old people. Maybe you want to get back at Grandma for giving you the worst possible gifts every year or maybe you want to get rid of somebody’s resting Grinch face, if so keep reading to find some clever gifts for this upcoming holiday season.


1. Suitcase– Uncle Gerald has been living with Grandma for way too long… It’s got to the point where he is eating all of her cookies before the grandkids even arrive and when you try to give him a hug, his belly bumps you 30 feet back out the door. If you’re in a similar situation with a relative, give them a nice large suitcase to pack up all of their belongings and their beastly manners. 


2. Onesie– I don’t think anybody can pull off the onesie look except for toddlers… and grandpa! Most boomers are slightly obese so the onesie can hide all of their imperfections. A few stylish onesies could be a Charmander onesie with a fiery tail to reflect what already comes out that end, a light pink skin tight cat onesie because everybody totally wants to see the outline of grandpa, and to finish off the fashion show, a cheetah print onesie to show off his spicy personality. Trust me Grandpa will love your fashion aid and he can even wear them to church. 


3. Grow A Boyfriend– Everybody is always asked by their relatives if they’re dating someone…the answer is usually no, but that doesn’t mean there’s no hope of saying yes one day. A Grow a Boyfriend figure is very cheap, no heartbreak is involved, and nobody has to know that he’s an inanimate object. This gift can be great for Aunty Patricia because we all know that before the ‘Rona hit, she was out prowling and trying to find a man to put up with her crappy cooking and her addiction to eating drywall. You don’t even want to know how I found that one out…


4. Dust Mop Slipper Shoes– After hearing Mom and Dad fight about the cleanliness of the house, the best decision will be the one and only Dust Mop Slippers. This way Mom gets to have a night in with her comfy cardigan on chilling with the family Maltese, Chew-Barka, and Dad gets to walk around mopping the floors free from the wrath of Nancy. This gift will be a savior for not only them, but also you during this stressful holiday season.


5. Toilet Paper– The aftermath of letting Grandpa use your nice clean toilet didn’t go over as well as you thought it would. ALL of your toilet paper has been used up and that’s just downright disrespectful. Maybe getting Grandpa this toilet paper will give him the hint to go somewhere else. Legend has it the smell will never leave and it’s still lingering inside of the bathroom to this day. 


After learning about a few gifts to give during this holiday season, hopefully you have your mind made up about what to give your closest relatives. Although they might be weird and have some weird issues, they’re still family who deserve to be shown at least some appreciation. Trust me who wouldn’t want dusting slippers or a onesie…I mean come on those are some pretty fashionable icons. After Christmas is over you’ll be getting a round of Santa-Plause.